tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 15, 2013 11:35pm-12:35am EDT
>> jimmy: hi there. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you all for coming. i don't want to bring everyone down but it was a terrible day. very bad things happened today for no good reason and our thoughts are with the people of boston and everyone who is suffering as a result of the bombings. it's a disgusting thing and i don't understand that. it's my job to make you laugh and i'll probably fail. but i'm failing already. and i want you to know that i'm claiming each of you as dependents on my tax return. today is april 15th. you have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. this is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners and wesley snipes. experts estimate that americans
waste more than $80 billion on unnecessary stamps today. i cover the envelope with stamps just to make sure it gets there. why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns. we have to pay them to pay them. it's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. how about you just deduct 75 cents from what i already paid? you know, i think i have a better way to do this. find a group of people who owe money and ones who are getting money back, have them meet up and give the money to each other. one-third of americans enjoy doing their taxes, according to a new study designed to find the aliens among us. a lot of those people use that program turbo tax. they had a glitch last night. their site went down for ten minutes while people were trying
to file their taxes. this was their statement. we're having problems with turbo tax online. . i like my account to spell the word "you" and "too" out. it's turbo tax, not nicki minaj. and they said 22 hours left, bitches, are you freaking? jk. lol. yours truly. we worked all day on that. no one likes to pay taxes but the money goes to all kinds of things we need. the irs released a public service announcement to remind us where our tax money goes. >> when americans pay their taxes, they keep the government running. without your tax dollars, i
wouldn't be able to write you this parking ticket 30 seconds after your meter expired. thanks for the money. >> without your tax dollars, i can't continue to not fill that pothole on your street. you know, the real big one. i'm never going to get around to it. but thanks for your money. >> i'm a u.s. senator. without your tax dollars, i couldn't shoot down every bill that comes across my desk. now if you'll excuse me i'm going to have sex in an airport bathroom, which you're also paying for. >> thanks for the money! >> a message from the irs. paid for by you. >> jimmy: the actor in the hat didn't look happy. there was a strange protest here in los angeles, measure b is a measure that was passed in november that requires all adult film actors to wear condoms on
the job, the male film actors. the free speech coalition wants to overturn measure b. this is a great cause to get behind if you are a weird guy who works at cell phone store but it's the porn industry is a bunch of guys with ponytails and used jaguars who care about -- i wonder who the brave rosa parks will be, the one who refuses to roll that condom on. and we shall rally behind him or to the side of him the just to be safe. but rally, we will. we have fun guests, jennifer hudson and bob saget are here. we have music tonight from yeah yeah yeahs. this band -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this band has taken up a cause i support whole
heartedly. when you go to a concert as soon as the band hits the stage the audience pulls out the cell phones and record it. so yeah yeah yeahs started posting this sign at their concerts. it says please do not watch the show through a screen. put that -- away as a courtesy to the person behind you and to nick, karen, and brian, many thanks. you expect that kind of thing from the no no nos but it is out of character for the yeah yeah yeahs. this is something that happens at every concert i go to. people record the band with their phones even though they are on tv. we are shooting it for television. they could watch it on tv and it's not a recent thing. in the '80s it was worse. this is from a hall and oates concert i went to in 1986.
let's bring back lighters. kids in canada smoke marijuana more frequently than kids in any other developed country. 28% of 11, 13, and 15-years-old admitted to smoking pot last year or as they call it "poot." the united states came in fifth in this survey. now our kids are too lazy to smoke pot. snoop dogg has a new project. he will write and produce a new theme song for the online reboot of the popular soap opera "one life to live" which is great t watches "one life to live" and listens to snoop dogg. he has gone from snoop dogg to snoop lion and now to middle-aged housewife.
it is going to be tough to work the n word into the theme song for "one life to live" but if anyone can do it it's snoop dog. yesterday the tigers beat the a's and in the eighth inning, victor martinez fouled the ball into the crowd and this touching father/son moment ensued. >> martinez fouls it straight back. watch this. we see kids do that occasionally. that's a good game face going too. i got it. i know what i'm doing, dad. he's about to realize what he's done. >> jimmy: he learned a valuable lesson. never share. if i'd done that my father would
have thrown me on the field. if they had youtube as i was a kid my parents would still be incarcerated. justin bieber did something unbelievable in amsterdam this weekend. he visited the anne frank house and wrote in the guest book truly inspiring to come here. anne was a great girl. hopefully she would have been a belieber. it takes a great person to make a visit about himself. had she lived anne frank would have been 83 years old today. we all do regrettable things in amsterdam, right? i'm starting to think germany should have quarantined him instead of his monkey. there is a show on msnbc called "the cycle." this happened on it.
>> what do you think it takes to be successful? a lot of people might say a me first win at all costs mentality. but we will meet the youngest professor at wharton university. >> jimmy: he's the most popular? what do is others look like? our network premiered a new show called "bet on your baby" did you watch this? that's what the ratings say too. parents try to guess how their baby will behave in certain situations. the winner can go home with up to 5,000 babies. so part of the competition involves parents putting their children in the baby dome which happens to also be the name of the octo-mom's uterus. oh, too soon?
abc calls "beat on your baby" the happiest show on television and other networks already are putting out copy cat versions on it. >> from the network that brought you the littlest groom calls a new game show where the stakes are adorable. you bet your baby. only on fox. yes, america. it's come to this. [ crying ]. >> jimmy: i have to get out of here. i have a mani appointment. guillermo talked to melissa mccarthy and steve carell and a bunch of stars. this is a sample of what he has for us. >> a back to back interview with seth -- what's your name? >> tito. >> what? >> tito.
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can receive aside from the oscars and emmy. the mtv movie awards are a psa of why white teenagers should not be allowed to vote. did you have fun guillermo? he had too much fun. here's guillermo interviewing stars at the mtv movie awards back to back. >> so you were asking me about booze. how drunk you are right now? >> like what are we doing like one out of ten? >> yes. >> seven and a quarter. >> you want to be more drunker? >> always. let's just a standard. >> all right. here. >> what is it? >> this is my magic water. >> oh, good lord. >> uno, dos, tres.
>> i thought that would be water. i thought that would be tap water. >> no. it's real. >> it's okay. >> i have to go present. i'm going to be hammered. >> it's okay. >> one's not going to do it for me. i think we all know that. >> i have mints and sprite. >> i don't want meth. >> no, mintings. >> i don't know where that's been. that cylinder shape makes me nervous with you. >> in my pocket all day. >> that was my fear. >> you were in the movie? >> i was in a movie, yeah. >> transam. >> transam? >> what is the name of the movie? "les mis." >> can you sing to me? >> do you know what? my vocal chords are a bit rusty.
>> you sound better than russell crowe. >> did i catch you eating? >> yeah. >> what are you having? >> a nut bar. >> do you have another one? >> yeah, here. wait, hold on. >> it fell on the carpet but only a thousand people have walked there. >> would you like to do back to back? >> yes. >> are you nervous today? >> i'm not nervous today but i will be nervous tomorrow. >> nervous today, happy or relaxed? >> then i'm nervous today. >> let me give you back to back massage. >> okay. >> that feels good. and you know what, here's some of your nut bar. i'm going to feed it to you. and that's going to make you feel relaxed. >> all right. >> do you want some tequila? >> yes, please. >> so this is for you. >> thank you. >> all right.
you're a nice guy, you know that? >> do you like my back? >> yes, i do. >> that's real tequila. you're not kidding around. that's not a prop. that's real. >> you're so soft. you know what? i'm tire this back to back. can we do a nose to nose? >> sure. >> what's the best part of you being -- what do you like? >> this moment. >> this moment? >> this moment is the best part of having become rich and famous. >> me too. >> how many did you have? >> i think i had six. you want one? >> no, i had one. i think i'm good for now. >> you give me a hug? >> yeah. >> you're my best friend. >> you're my best friend. >> i love you. >> i love you too. >> can i give you a kiss, guy?
>> i wish you would. >> that was nice. very nice. >> i'm tired of asking questions can you ask me a question? >> you having fun? >> i'm having a lot of fun and i'm -- would you guys like a shot of tequila. >> you had a bit to drink tonight? >> i'd love a shot of tequila. >> let's get a shot of tequila to my guests. you guys have very soft hair. >> thanks. >> you guys like too feel my hair. >> i'd like to feel your hair. >> you have crunchy stuff in there. >> you going to do this? >> uno, dos, tres. >> you are my kind of people. i love you guys. >> i love you, man. >> someone's driving him home, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you guillermo,
very well done. tonight on the show, bob saget is here. we have music from yeah yeah yeahs and we'll be right back with jennifer hudson. stay up. [ male announcer ] considering all your mouth goes through, do you really think brushing is enough to keep it clean? while brushing misses germs in 75% of your mouth, listerine® cleans virtually your entire mouth. so take your oral health to a whole new level. listerine®... power to your mouth™.
the sony stage. tomorrow night mark wahlberg will be here. from "once upon a time" jennifer morrison will be with us, and we'll have music from new order. and at various points during the rest of the week harrison ford, ken jeong, anthony mackie, and we'll have music from m83 and phoenix too, so join us then. >> jimmy: over the past six months our first guest has performed at the presidential inauguration, the oscars, the super bowl, and probably in the car on the way here tonight. she's an oscar, grammy and golden globe-winning singer and actress whose new movie "call me crazy: a five film" premieres this saturday at 8 on lifetime, please welcome jennifer hudson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you look fantastic. how you doing? >> you look great too. >> jimmy: what is your "n" your hand?
>> this is my energy stone. i don't want your nervous energy. this calms my energy. >> jimmy: you will hit me in the head with that. where do you get something like this? like wal-mart or something? >> no, no. you have to go like a stone kind of stone. >> jimmy: a stone store. of course. >> i get it in chicago. >> jimmy: does it cost a lot? >> yes. >> jimmy: it does? >> i have one that was $400. >> jimmy: it relieves you of nervous energy and your money. >> i guess so. >> jimmy: you didn't have that thing when you were performing at the oscars and the inauguration, did you? >> i didn't want it to fall at the oscars. so someone held it for me. but before i went out i had it. >> jimmy: what is the most nerve wracking between the oscars,
inauguration or super bowl? >> they are all nerve wracking but in a different way. the different things were fun. but the scariest one at the oscars. at first i was like i don't have to rent or present or do anything else but sing. right before i went out on stage i was like i have to go out there i don't know if i'll be abo able to get these people up. they are so stiff. >> jimmy: they responded well, didn't they? your fears were unfounded and you can't walk off stage. >> sometimes you want to. >> jimmy: but the show must go on. >> you have no choice. >> jimmy: that's right. exactly. >> none. >> jimmy: i'm going to hold the stone for a while. you have three dogs right named after awards. >> oscar, grammy and dream girl. let me tell you the story.
>> jimmy: what kind of dogs? >> hpomeranians. i was nominated for an oscar and i was like what will i name the dog? and i named him oscar. i decided oscar needed a girlfriend. i thought i will get a dog and name it grammy. so i got grammy. and then like a few -- well, when the grammys came around again. and they had a baby and we named it dream girl. >> will there be a nickelodeon kid's choice award. >> i want emmy and tony. >> and those are normal enough names for a dog. you might look like a lunatic if you have a bunch of dogs named after awards. just something to think about. i have a dog named pie eating
contest. we call him pie. so one of your first professional jobs was singing on a disney cruise. is that a terrible job? >> after so long it can get crazy because it's the same thing over and over and over. >> jimmy: after like one or two days? >> no, i mean -- i was on the ship for six months. i did the circumstance of life song. i was there for six months. i was like this is the most exciting thing and after a while we have to sing stop again? are you serious? >> jimmy: and it seems like the same people come on the ship and off the ship. >> it's the same thing over and over again. i got excited to go to wal-mart when i got off the ship. i couldn't sleep the night before. >> jimmy: and you sang one song? >> circle of life and disney dreams. at the time i didn't know elton
john wrote the song. i didn't get a dog and name it circle of life. but i did american idol and elton john is there and he wrote the song and i'm singing with him at the piano. >> jimmy: you didn't know he wrote that song. you didn't go that is elton john. you were young, i guess. and as far as movies go do you not know who the actors are? >> i know the character names. i grew up around music. i know all the music artists. >> jimmy: except elton john. >> you got me there. >> jimmy: that one. here's barely a blip on the radar. >> you know i love you elton. but it's just like, you know, actors i'm not familiar with. >> jimmy: is that right? >> i was on idol, and we had to go -- we had movie week and they
had quinton tarantino as one of the judges. we had to go to his premiere for "kill bill." he just walked over like he is cool and laid back and he's like how did you like my movie. and i was like that movie was horrible. and someone hit me. >> jimmy: you said that? >> i'm like huh? that's his movie. >> jimmy: what did he say? >> he laughed. he thought i was joking. is she serious? >> jimmy: jennifer hudson is here. we'll be right back. the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by sony. shoot. now with the share everything plan from verizon, connect your camera, along with your smartphone and tablet.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. bob saget is still to come. yeah yeah yeahs is still to come. jennifer hudson is here. what is "call me crazy" about? >> it's based on mental illnesses. i play a soldier who was attacked by one of her sergeants and she come home and her life falls apart. she has a nervous break down from ptsd. >> jimmy: this does not sound funny at all. >> it's not funny. >> jimmy: it's not supposed to be funny.
your fiance is -- did some acting too. >> he did. >> jimmy: and he's a member of the wwe. >> he's a wrestler and actor. >> jimmy: and when your fiance is a wrestler. and you have a son together. >> yes, we do. >> jimmy: is he a roughhouser? >> it's a mad house. >> jimmy: is it? >> at times he wants to sing to daddy and wrestle mommy. i'm like can you wrestle your daddy and sing to mommy. >> jimmy: he wants a weaker opponent. are you worried about being body slammed into a credenza? >> i hope not. >> jimmy: it's just muscle memory. he gets you up in the air and you could go down. how old is your son? >> he's three. >> jimmy: that's a good age. and is your fiance watching him?
>> my munchkin broke his leg sliding down a slide. the number one way that kids break their legs is lieding down a slide sitting on someone's lap. >> jimmy: really? >> he's at home watching his dad right now. >> jimmy: the fighting is kept to a minimum? >> he doesn't understand. >> jimmy: does he have a cast? >> he does. it's red. he thinks he is the red power ranger right now. that's how we tricked him. >> jimmy: kids are suggestible. one day he won't the red power ranger any more. >> no. >> jimmy: congratulations on everything and your son and the movie. the movie is called "call me crazy" jennifer hudson, everyone. we'll be right back with bob saget. [ guide ] ...alabaster powder, quite expensive for the time,
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>> jimmy: welcome back. still to come, the yeah yeah yeahs. before youtube if you wanted to see a clip of a guy getting hit in the crotch with a wiffle ball you had to watch our next guest. he has new standup comedy special called "that's what i'm talkin' about," airing may 10th on showtime. please welcome bob saget. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: how you doing? >> this is nice. >> jimmy: i can't believe this is your first time on the show. we have spent a lot of time off the show together. >> in hotel rooms. >> jimmy: i was going to leave those instances out. >> we had a lovely dinner together with mutual friends.
donnell rickles. >> it's that's a good name to drop. >> he wants to drop mine all the time. >> jimmy: he is rough on everybody. >> you have a father and son relationship with him? >> jimmy: something like that. >> it's like during salad he goes shut up, saget. he grabbed me by the head and said i don't miss you at all. i directed him in "dirty work" that's how many people saw it. >> jimmy: that's right. how long ago? is that when you met him? >> i snuck in when i was 17 to see him at the latin casino in jersey and i was dressed as woman. >> jimmy: there is no reason for that. >> not at all. i looked good as a woman. >> jimmy: i always imagined you as a woman. >> seriously? >> jimmy: no. >> but that particular dinner where he harassed me and yourself he belted me, john s y
stamos was there. he is so handsome. just ask him. it was a lot of fun. >> jimmy: it's fun. do you feel like you're in the moment right now? >> i do. it's been a rough day. so humor is really important. so i try to do it when i can. you're pretty wonderful at doing it. >> jimmy: that would be a great bumper sticker. are we getting sexual again? >> yes. i actually was going to say i want to rear end you but i wouldn't say that. i want a sign on your tramp stamp to say following too closely. why would i do that? why would i say that? >> people get signs on their tramp stamp? >> oh, i don't know. >> jimmy: you brought up john stamos. i'm going to ask you about "full house" this is a show that will
not ever die. >> i try to put it down with my other work. it's a wonderful show. >> jimmy: kids love that show. >> then they grow up and then it's run away. but you watch that thing. and that's how the audience would cheer. i have sense memory of people screaming like that. international traveller that show. >> jimmy: is it an international show? >> this is weird, a couple weeks ago i was in a restaurant bar with our futural friend jeffrey ross. he is a traveling hair style. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> he has a dutch boy look now. >> jimmy: it's a great look. >> a combo of porn and a dutch boy which is the name of something. but, jeff and i were sitting there with my friend michael and a man comes over to me and i didn't recognize him right away.
he had an international flair to him and he goes to me, hello bob saget i'm russell crowe. it was russel crowe. otherwise it would have been a really bad impression. and he goes i have a joke for you, bob saget. and i said, okay. because i was frightened at first. he is slightly imposing and he goes what did the man with five penises say when he was asked how his underwear fit him and i said like a glove? and russel crowe said you gave away the punch line. i was fearful he was going to gut me or sing. >> jimmy: i like his singing. >> i told him i liked his singing in "les mis." i sing and have auto tune. >> jimmy: you sing in your act. you have the voice of an angel.
>> you mean i'm gone. >> jimmy: in person, yeah. >> i'm nefarious. but he actually -- we went out after that. he said we went out on the patio of this hotel and we sang "oh, canada" he was like you can sing? bob saget, sing for me. so i was like -- >> jimmy: he was from australia. >> i do anything that somebody from down under says. sorry. that would be the youtube moment. >> jimmy: in addition to your special you have a charity event that i will be a part of. >> i'm not going to kiss up to you but i'll mildly fluff you. is that clearable? i wish i owned the patent on that word. i have a benefit for something near and dear to me. it's on april 30th. i.e., mailed you and i'm telling
you like -- >> jimmy: it's important that we tribute me a little bit. this reminds me of the teleon this where jerry tells about how someone comes through for him. >> i e-mailed you at 4:00 in the morning and you e-mailed me back. and it touched me late at night, which i want you to do. but then you kept e-mailing and i kept e-mailing. it was the best internet sex i ever had. i don't know if you knew what was going on. >> jimmy: i didn't know when to stop. >> i threw my laptop out. there was nothing to purell. >> jimmy: i'm honored. bob saget, everybody. the special may 10th on showtime. and the benefit april 30th at the four seasons beverly
♪ mosquito sing mosquito cry mosquito live mosquito die ♪ ♪ mosquito drink most anything whatever's left mosquito scream ♪ ♪ i'll suck your blood i'll suck your blood i'll suck your blood suck your, suck your ♪ ♪ suck your blood i'll suck your blood i'll suck your blood i'll suck your blood ♪ ♪ suck your suck your suck your blood ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ mosquito sing mosquito cry mosquito live mosquito die ♪ ♪ mosquito land on your neck mosquito drink
whatever's left ♪ ♪ they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood suck your, suck your ♪ ♪ suck your blood they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood ♪ ♪ suck your suck your suck your blood ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ they can see you but you can't see them they can see you but you can't see them ♪ ♪ so are you gonna let them in they're hiding beneath your bed ♪ ♪ they're crawling between your legs
they're sticking you in your vein ♪ ♪ were you itching when they call your name were you itching when they call your name ♪ ♪ they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood suck your, suck your ♪ ♪ suck your blood they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood they'll suck your blood ♪ ♪ suck your suck your suck your blood ♪ ♪ suck your blood suck your blood suck your blood suck your blood ♪ ♪ suck your blood suck your blood suck your blood suck your blood ♪ ♪ suck your blood suck your blood suck your blood suck your blood suck ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i want to thank jennifer hudson, bob saget. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. tomorrow night, mark wahlberg, jennifer morrison and music from new order.
"mosquito" is their album. it comes out tomorrow. playing us off the air with the song, "sacrilege." see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.com. once again, yeah yeah yeahs. good night. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ fallen for a guy who fell down from the sky halo round his head feathers in our bed ♪ ♪ in our bed in our bed ♪ ♪ fallen for a guy who fell down from the sky halo round his head feathers in our bed ♪ ♪ in our bed in our bed ♪